Single moms are super busy, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to or can’t make time for dating and romance. Opening yourself up to new relationships can make you feel hopeful, excited, frustrated, and anxious — at the same time! Dating for single parents is different from “regular” dating. A single mom looking for love is not just thinking about herself, she’s also considering how dating will affect her children. After a few dates, she’s making sure the person is a good fit, and even considering whether or not this person is suitable to be in her children’s lives.
Whether you’re moving on after a divorce, or you’ve been a single mom for a while, if you’re looking to get back out into the dating pool, these tips might make your dating life — especially as a parent — easier on you and your kids.
Start dipping your toe into dating slowly.
It may be hard to imagine, but dating should be a fun and casual experience for single parents. But there’s always a degree of intention as well. You’ll find yourself asking: Am I dating too soon? Do I really like this person? Do they just remind me of my ex? So start slowly — before posting a profile or saying yes to that Zoom date — make sure you’re fully healed from your past relationship and breakup. Make sure you’ve spent some time alone to be sure you’re in a good healthy place. The dating scene can be … interesting. There’s ghosting, and the most recent dating trend, apocalypsing, and other serious things going on in the world at large to consider. Do a self-check to make sure you’re really ready for the mental, emotional and even physical space dating takes up.
Dating coaches — and your sister and besties, too — will probably encourage single moms to cast a wide net and date more than one person until talk of exclusivity arises. If you’re a single mom looking for love and you’re coming out of a long-term relationship or marriage, it may sound crazy to “date around.” But please don’t confuse dating more than one person with being intimate with more than one person. That’s not advised, but that’s also your personal business. Dating more than one person simply allows you to be busy and get comfortable meeting new people, slowly and casually. You’ll also be able to compare and contrast and see who rises to the top. Dating more than one person gives you the chance to date until you’re ready to commit, without becoming completely absorbed by one person.
Once you see who is an ideal match for you, you can discuss commitment with that person.
Drop the mom guilt about dating.
We’re not saying you should feel nothing about going out and meeting someone and making dates, but you can make your kids your priority and also want a personal life of your own. Trying to find romance can actually benefit your children in the long run because your kids can only benefit from seeing a healthy relationship. Running your kids to their playdates and soccer practices shouldn’t be the extent of your social life.
As a healthy, thriving woman, it’s not selfish to want things and experiences that are just for you. Finding the time to date may be challenging and even feel wrong, but you’ll end up being better for it — as will your kids — if you take your time and go for what you deserve. The kids will be inspired by a happy, vibrant, and attentive mom as well! Trust your instincts and take the good advice of family and friends, but don’t let others mom-shame you into feeling that you don’t deserve a social and personal life.
Be a proud single mom.
There’s no doubt that being a single parent is an important part of who you are, so please don’t hide that from your online profile or during the early conversations with a potential date. You’re trying to bring the most positive energy into your life, and definitely don’t want someone lying to you about who they are, so disclose that you’re a parent at your first opportunity.
Many single parents are out there looking for other single parents who can relate to their lifestyle. Dating other single parents is worth looking into because we’re a special tribe with lifestyles and daily experiences that only parents can understand. Some people choose to only date single parents and find it easier to form lasting relationships. While you may be making your dating pool smaller by only dating dads with kids, the quality of those in the pool goes up significantly. It’s honestly a win-win.
Being upfront with a potential partner about having kids, means you should also be honest with your kids about dating — when the time is right. Depending on their age, your kid may notice you on the phone more, or dressing up more to go out “with the girls.” Take much more time telling younger kids, but older kids should be able to have a conversation with you when you’re seeing someone special. The more you keep dating a secret, the more it signals that you are doing something wrong — and you’re not. Use your best judgement when discussing these matters with your kids, as not all kids are going to be thrilled that their mom or dad is dating someone new.
Let’s talk about sex.
We’re all grown here, but it does need to be said that sharing sexual intimacy too soon can be emotionally confusing. Are you missing that personal connection? Or are you worried that sex is a part of casual dating?
What you do is up to you — just be careful. Don’t get into bed with any of your suitors until you’re ready. If you’re looking for a real emotional connection, trust your judgment.
Screening potential partners is important.
Google is a great tool, and single moms have the right and responsibility to screen potential partners. No matter how great of a “feeling” you get from someone, a little background check wouldn’t hurt when you’re inviting a stranger into your life. We’re not suggesting you hire a private detective, but you should make sure he’s not searchable in a bad way.
Weeding out people who will be unsuitable for your life is not being too picky, it means you’re being smart. You should have a list of deal-breakers that help you filter matches. What values are you looking to share with someone? What are your non-negotiables?
Introducing your kids to a partner or potential partner is a challenge because you want to wait long enough to get to know the person, but you also want to make sure the person you’re dating can get along with your kids as well. Hopefully, he’s a guy with kids and you can observe how he cares for and discusses his own children. A man who doesn’t get along well with your kids is potentially headed for an uphill battle. Does he see the dynamic as worth it or will your kids not being his No. 1 fans scare him away?
It’s suggested that you don’t introduce your kids to a man until you’re confident that he is safe and that things are getting serious. Before introducing them, have a conversation with the kids and ask questions to see if they’re comfortable seeing Mom with a guy who is not Dad. Ask the kids how it makes them feel.
Men generally view the introduction of children to be a big step. When you have talked about exclusivity and are both sure you share the same vision for the future of your relationship, it’s a great sign that it’s OK to introduce the kids.
Tips for dating a single mom.
If you know someone who is thinking about dating a single mom and is on the fence about how to proceed, share these tips with them! Maybe it will help them navigate the process:
- Follow her lead when it comes to the kids. Let her decide what and when she wants to share information about her kids. While you might know that you’re a super nice guy, but she just met you and has to keep her kids’ privacy and safety in mind. Once the relationship gets more serious, win brownie points by helping her pay for the babysitter (if you’re actually going out), or even buying a board game for the kids to play while you two do a Zoom date!
- Be respectful of her time by planning dates ahead of time. Single parents, especially those with elementary and middle school-aged kids, need to plan. You may not get those spontaneous times together, but know that if a single parent is taking her precious time to spend with you, she has likely made lots of effort to shuffle her life around.
- Unless she expresses that she hates texting, try it! It’s tricky to get the time for a phone call, especially when the kids are young — and awake. Children are also sponges and as soon as they see mom on the phone, they magically need attention. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t call or text back right away.
- Plan a real date. Dinner and a movie may seem like an ordinary idea, but for a single parent, a dinner that she hasn’t had to cook and some adult-friendly conversation and entertainment are probably just what she needs.