A professor took a jar, filled it to the brim with rocks, and then asked his class: Is this full? They voiced their agreement that yes, the jar was indeed full. The professor then took a container of small rocks, poured it into the jar and the class watched the little stones fill in around the large rocks. The professor asked again: “Is this full?” Now some nodded, some hesitated. He took a container of gravel, poured it into the jar, and asked the class again. Next, he poured sand over the rocks until every crevice was filled and the jar was truly full. He took another empty jar, and filled it with sand, then asked a student if it was full. She hesitatingly said yes. He asked her to come fit some of the rocks into the jar – she tried and failed. “The big rocks must be in place first” concluded the professor.
It was a lesson on priorities I heard long ago, and it stuck with me.
Hey, I’m Emily. I’m a wife. A mom and a stepmom. I’ve traveled the world, struggled with depression and anxiety, earned my Master’s degree, experienced infertility, and I’ve had at least 30 different jobs. I’ve been in debt, been heartbroken, been overweight, and learned to dance the coparenting dance with the gait of a clumsy elephant. All subjects I hope to touch on in the future.
It took me more than two months to write on this particular subject because of the ever-shifting priorities in my own life. Seriously, it’s like trying to do a jigsaw puzzle while someone keeps changing the picture. For instance, most days I have about an hour while the big kids are at school and both twins are sleeping. Do I shower? Call a friend? Shift the laundry and fold a load? Sleep? Exercise? What’s most important? Sometimes I’m so paralyzed by this question that instead of doing anything, I sit and stare into space. For parents who work, it’s even harder because hours are more limited, and you’re away from your kid(s) for hours a day, so shouldn’t every free moment be spent with them? Except, what about quality time with your spouse, and the groceries, and the struggling friend you were going to call, and that book you were going to read, and the air filter that needs to be changing and….wait, isn’t it April 13th, do you even know where your W-2’s are?
Stressed yet? I didn’t even touch on single parents or those who are working and in school full-time. At some point, it’s not ok. Over the last year, I’ve shoved aside my own needs, my marriage, and other things that are important to me for the sake of whatever is directly in my face. Tyranny of the urgent. Over time, it results in distance from your spouse, burnout at work, compassion fatigue, physical ailments, purposelessness, and regret.
Here’s one thing I did that brought some order to my decisions and time; maybe you can do it too: Grab a jar and a few rocks (one or two large, several small/medium), and label them with a marker. What’s your number one priority? Put that in first. Label the smaller ones and put them in next. I included a photo of my jar – it’s not cute but it does the trick. Set yours somewhere you can see it regularly, and think of those priorities when you’re deciding what to do with your time, money, and energy. If you keep first things first, the smaller things will fill in the crevices.
A few last thoughts: 1) Don’t have access to a jar or rocks? Draw some ovals on a piece of paper (one or two large, several small/medium). Label and post accordingly. 2) When labeling your rocks, be specific! For instance, if you write “family”, do you mean immediate family only? Just your children? Cousins, siblings, and weird uncles included? Maybe you have a close friend or two that you call family. 3) The rocks are not magic! Consider that you may have a decision to make between two medium rocks – your boss wants you to attend an important training, but your kid has a school concert. Those things require juggling, and it doesn’t mean one is more important than the other. New seasons mean shifting priorities, something I hope to write about in the future.
Six-ish months ago, I decided that one of my priorities needed to move from sand to small rock: self-care. I’m not talking about a day at the spa with girlfriends (though that sounds amaaaazing). I’m referring to a need for rest, an acknowledgment that I can’t do everything or be everything to everyone, even those I love most. We are created finite. In this case, I wanted to find rest in creativity: regularly scheduled opportunities, even in small increments, to take off my “hats” and just be Emily. So…what? Practically speaking, it needed to be inexpensive, flexible with timing, and not something that took a lot of space. I thought it over for months while fighting off the urge to shrug away my need for a hobby. Amazingly, God dropped two opportunities to write into my lap in the same week. Ignoring doubts about my ability to influence others, I started typing. Friends, I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but my forty years on this earth have led me to a few truths. Maybe transparency about my adventures can help you, encourage you, and make you feel less alone. And, as I continue learning to prioritize my life and this new hobby, thanks for joining me.